Everyday is a battle for me in my mind. Sometimes I want to throw in the towel and fail gallantly. Yes fail gallantly! Because I am tired of being worried.
Worrying does funny things to my stomach and my heart begins to thump against my chest rather than beat. It makes me feel sick and I am getting tired of getting familiar with worry. It’s like a norm to me now. I find myself singing and all of a sudden I remember the exam I have in front of me and bang! Worry activated!
“Why worry so much about failing when I might just fail at last?”
That’s not a comforting thought but that’s me just tired of worrying. This are the snippets of conversation in my head
“I have a lot to read”
“My exam is right in my face”
“I am lagging behind in preparation compared to everyone else”
Every senior colleague keeps asking me how far I have gone
Me to my self: “not far” .
But I can’t even say this to them because I can imagine the exclamation that would follow. I know they are just being caring but it sounds like condemnation to me already( this is me being real) … So yes I just smile and say
“fine, thank you”
I am receiving motivational speech more than ever about getting a first class
“Aaargggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!” That’s me screaming in my mind and smiling at you.
I am tired. If I fail I fail I say. I can’t take this fear anymore.
But there’s still that part that does not accept my resolution. It tells me to keep fighting for everyday. It’s just for a while. It will be over soon. It’s like a minority voice in my head. It’s not loud but it’s there and I can hear it clearly over the clamours of other voices.
“Fight for today” it says. I will take its quiet advice. I will keep fighting for each day till the final day.
Meanwhile…. I have decided to stop worrying. I am not trying to please anyone with how far I have gone again. I have not gone so far but then again, it’s my business(i appreciate their help though) . I will keep trying my best and putting all my trust in God .
This is me. Fighting the battle in my mind each day!
But I digress. How are you doing too?
And No matter what…
We Keep blooming💕💕❤